A Letter to my *Last* Baby

Dear Baby,

I will probably hold you too long. From the moment you entered the world, it has been hard to put you down. You will be so tiny for such a short time, and I will let you linger on me, snoozing peacefully, as I try to memorize the way your warm little head feels on my chest. I will snuggle you against me one more time and one more time again, hoping to imprint on my memory the weight of your little body, the soft puffs of your breath on my neck, the curve of your legs against my squishy, postpartum tummy, where you were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I will probably weep over your growth. I have seen those vital baby milestones three times now, but where they were met with anxiety over "doing it wrong" with our first baby, for you they will be met with tears. I promise to be excited for each new developmental adventure that you embark upon, my Tiny Love, but remember that every stage you outgrow is one that I must leave behind as well. I will blink, and you will be running, singing, and begging to wear makeup. I will smile and cheer you on, I will look with joy to the future, but I will mourn for what I have lost.

I will probably make you wait. A lot. There will be times, perhaps every day, that the needs of your siblings are more pressing or more quickly met, and you will have to wait. Perhaps you'll scream and cry and kick your little legs. Perhaps you'll grow tired of waiting for me to scoop you up, and you'll fall asleep on your own, in your bouncer or your high chair or your walker. But oh, my Little Love, how my heart will ache when you cry, even though I may seem busy or task-oriented or indifferent.

I have prayed the most for you. My Dear One, I prayed for you long before you began to grow inside me. I prayed and I wept over you before  first breath, before I held your brand new, slimy little body in my arms. I prayed for your health and your heart and your growth and your future, even more than I did for my earlier babies... not because I love you more, but because God has shown me time and again the power of praying for my children, and I have finally learned. And I will keep praying over you, Dear One, while there is breath in my body, to imprint faith on your heart and to show you how mighty is the God we serve.

One more thing, my Little Love: I'm not sorry.

I'll not apologize for holding you too long because you'll grow far too quickly, and one day I'll struggle to remember just how tiny you were.

I'll not apologize for my tears because I want you to know that a tender heart is not a weakness or a fault.

I'll not apologize for making you wait because it means our family has been blessed with several children to raise and teach and love.

And I'll certainly not apologize for praying because it is the most powerful protection I can give you in a world that is too often mean and dark and cold.

I love you, Little Girl. For always.

-Mama