A New Game Show: "Iron, Mommy!"

I grew up watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune in the evenings with my family, and we were almost always able to solve the puzzle or get the answer faster than the contestants on stage. We would shout out the answer, or at least give a snooty, sing-song-y “I know what it is” to make sure everyone knew how very clever we were. (Except for me, of course. I am humble and demure.)

But I always wondered… If I were up there, on stage, with lights and cameras on me, with people watching me in the studio and at home… would I really be able to perform as well as I could from my living room couch with a bowl of ice cream in my lap? Maybe not.

SO! I have created a game show for Mommies. Not one for us to sit on the couch and watch, no no. One for us to star in and kick some serious booty in. I call it “Iron, Mommy.”

The preliminary game of Iron, Mommy – to weed out the wannabes – is the PBJ Race. Contestants will have one minute to create a perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich while two robo-toddlers pull on their clothes, use them as a human tissue, and shout indistinctly. Bonus points will be awarded for cutting the sandwich into the desired shape of the noisy robo-toddlers (good luck. One of them wants squares and the other wants triangles).

Next, the contestants will move to the Lightning Laundry Round. For this portion of the game, they will have to move a full load of wet laundry from the washer to the dryer while holding a 20lb sack of potatoes (“baby”) on one hip. But uh-oh! What’s that! Contestants must race to complete the task before the robo-toddlers pull all the Tupperware out of the cabinet! Bonus points will be awarded for remembering to empty the lint trap.

After the laundry comes the Go-Go Grocery Round. Contestants will race to put away twelve bags of groceries barefooted in the kitchen-turned-Lego-block-obstacle-course. Points will be deducted for each piece that is stepped on or broken, and watch out for the hidden land mine – junior’s favorite rattle! If stepped on, this rattle triggers the angry baby alarm, and contestants will have to decide whether to stop and accept a baby soothing time-penalty or take the guilt penalty and finish putting away refrigerated items first. Bonus points for completing the task without sweating through your t-shirt.

And then, the final game of Iron, Mommy – the SuperMom Ultra-Bonus Bedtime Round. Baby is finally asleep, but uh-oh! Little Robo-Toddler left her favorite teddy bear in the nursery. Contestants will have to sneak and slither, ninja-style, through the nursery to retrieve it, avoiding all toys in the floor that light up or make noise. First contestant to successfully reach Teddy without waking Baby wins 25,000 Mommy points!

All contestants that survive Iron, Mommy will be rewarded with a pedicure and a nap.

So, all you “real” game-show winners out there, I challenge you to a game of Iron, Mommy. Sure, you can answer lots of questions or figure out words and phrases with a few letters missing, but can you referee a toddler game of hide-n-seek while cooking  a Pinterest recipe dinner THAT INCLUDES A VEGETABLE?! I don’t think so, my friend. Iron, Mommy is not for the feint of heart. And I play it every. Single. Day.